Fear, The Sneaky Feeling That Holds You Back

Waking to the Sound of Roosters Crowing

Four years ago, my biggest fear—like the rest of the world’s—was getting COVID-19 and losing a loved one to it. For two years, I dreaded it, diligently protecting myself by isolating, masking, and getting vaccinated as soon as it was available. Yet, in November 2022, just five days before my first week-long writing conference, I tested positive. When I called the doctor, he said, “Rest in bed; it’ll take about a week to recover.” Suddenly, my biggest fear was missing out on my first writing-related adventure. I slept, worried, and negotiated my travel plans with my foggy brain as my muscles felt like they’d been battered by bags filled with pebbles. 

If someone asked me what fear is, I’d say it’s the uncertainty wrapped in the subconscious pressure of losing control.

I rescheduled my flight for the seventh day of bed rest, uncertain if I'd fully recover by week's end. I tested negative before departure, but my strength hadn't returned. Despite wavering about joining the conference as a latecomer after missing the first three days of classes, I decided to go. I arrived at the hotel for the Kauai Writers Conference that evening.

The following day, I woke up to the sound of roosters crowing outside. I hadn’t realized roosters were a common sight in Kauai. It reminded me of my childhood in Turkey, where mornings came alive with the roosters' calls in the countryside. When I was eleven, I started my middle school prep class two weeks late. A new kid, stepping into a completely new environment where my classmates had already bonded and learned their first words of English. I felt like a foreigner in that classroom, away from home, facing the unknown. There was fear but also the boldness of a child and a mind eager to soak up everything around it. I remembered how I listened intently, immersing myself in every lesson until I caught up with my peers and finished the semester with strong grades.

That morning in Kauai, venturing into a crowd of strangers, I wondered, Do I belong as a writer among the seasoned authors and industry professionals? Will I be invisible to these people who have already moved past the awkwardness of introductions and settled into the flow? As I walked toward the conference area, where everyone was having breakfast, to the sound of friendly chatter, my feet carried me forward, but my mind kept retreating to the safety of my hotel room.

“Walk through your fear,” I told myself. “One step at a time. Start with one person—just one—and then the next, and the next.”

My first year at this writing conference left me with cherished memories, fresh insights and lessons, and a network of inspiring writers and teachers I was excited to stay connected with. I’m glad I acknowledged the presence of my fear and embraced it. I didn’t let it paralyze me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have discovered the possibilities on the other side.

This November, I’m attending the Kauai Writers Conference for the third time. While I rejoice in the 10th anniversary of this conference, I’ll take a moment to acknowledge my courage for not letting fear overcome me.  

Now, I see fear for what it is—a companion to guide me, not hold me back—as I progress toward growth and improvement.

What do you fear? How do you master your fear? 

Who is coming to the Kauai Writers Conference? Let’s meet new friends and catch up with old ones!

Here’s a little snippet I captured in Kauai. Enjoy!